what the hap is fuckening

I started to talk about Ramikadyc in this post and I wanted to further explain, what is this Commando State of Mind that Kal taught them actually. I struggled to write about this topic, and I think the hardest part was to not making it too personal. But reading about this meant a lot to me. 

 

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It's dissociation. Kal taught them how to dissociate in situations that was too much to bear mentally and physically. Whether you want to force yourself to do the impossible, or enduring pain that you wouldn't be able to do normally. Now when your dissociation doesn't make you forget things, it feels like that you are numbing yourself. It's a freeze reaction (as in fight-flight-freeze-fawn). You put your emotions ice, either because you weren't allowed to express it due to circumstances, or the said emotions are just too intense to actually feel it (like fear, terror, or about to cry). But the thing is with ice, that it eventually starts to melt. 

 

Dissociating can be delaying emotions, because you are not allowed to experience them at that moment when something triggers it. They are not gone, they don't disappear, they just catch up again later. 
 

It is actually useful when everyone is panicking around you in a dangerous or life-threatening situation, so you don’t absorb the environment’s emotional state and you can remain calm and think clearly and finding solutions to the given problem. But first you probably encounter with it, when you are in a abusive household where emotions and reactions are heavily monitored and punished, so you have to find a way to numb your emotions and with it, not react - at all. 
 

But after the immediate danger passes (or even months later, sometimes years later), your brain decides that you are no threatened so it’s okay to feel emotions again: and everything floods you that you repressed.
 

DISSOCIATION =/= Being mindfully control of emotions. You are not a Jedi by dissociating, you are not acknowledging the emotions and letting them pass. You are straightout repress it. 

In relevance of the Commandos, they had to learn to tolerate pain, VERY INTENSE PAIN, so when they are interrogated, the wouldn’t talk and they won’t beg for mercy. Darman uses this technique constantly when he is dealing with the death of his wife, Etain, because he can’t deal with the pain. He doesn’t allow himself to healthily grief. 

While it is your brain defensive mechanism that tries to protect you from harm, it is not a healthy way to deal with emotions in long term and can lead to the development of cPTSD. Severe dissociation symptoms like creating alters in your stead can be also tied Dissociative Identity Disorder too, but I will talk about the latter in the continuation.